Rehab

I really enjoy reading adoption blogs written by other moms. And there's a theme I'm starting to pick up on when I read them. Even if it is never explicitly stated "Little Johnny" is adopted on the Home page-  Just get a few articles in and you can usually tell, simply by the way the mom talks about the child. There is an overwhelming sense of measuring and constantly assessing the child. It's very similar to a first time mom keeping track of the exact minutes her newborn nursed from each side or how many hours their toddler slept that day. In my line of work as an Occupational Therapist this monitoring and re-evaluating is crucial. Every day I document progress on goals like: Johnny will hold a writing utensil with a tripod grasp and draw a line within 20* of vertical with verbal cues only, 4/5 times for 10 sessions.

Sounds crazy but parenting a struggling adopted child is a lot like that. There is for sure a goal in mind: Johnny will be securely attached to his family as demonstrated by age appropriate social and emotional responses to typical triggers 4/5 times for the rest of his life. Parenting older adopted kiddos requires constant barometer checks, frequent testing and revising of behavioral strategies, and for sure a large amount of faking it. It is a very intentional kind of parenting.  And ironically "in the biz" it's called therapeutic parenting.

Renown author, speaker, blogger and adoptive momma of older kids, Jen Hatmaker, has some great insights in her "after the airport series." She breaks the progress down into stages. For example the first 4-6 weeks post adoption is called Honeymoon, while from 6 weeks to 3-4 months is called Spaz Out. From our own experience I can tell you that in those first couple stages, the goal for parents is simply to survive followed by a slightly less than important second goal of not ruining the biological or adopted kids.

According to her theory we are in Stage 4: Rehab, 8-12 months post adoption. And man her description is sooooo good. Like soooo good that I will just let her explain:

"So in those first few stages, you might feel like you are raising someone else's hysterical child. You might be chockfull of resentment, anger, disappointment, and regret. Love may feel elusive, even impossible for a while. You might wonder if God called you to something and then left you.

You remember how your dear social worker told you on your 3-month visit, as she looked into your bloodshot eyes and you burst into tears, that attachment takes time...for everyone. Adoption is not the normal way, biology is, which helps us love that screaming, no-sleeping baby just madly, irrationally. But in adoption, it takes everyone time to fall in love. 

And that's okay. 

Normal, dear ones, so very normal. You are not a terrible person, nor is your new son or daughter a lemon. There is so much hope for everyone...

Here is the good news: eventually, you can pull Feelings from the deep freeze, and you'll discover surges of genuine love sneaking up on you for this kid. You'll find out: Oh! He's funny! She's sassy! He's good at science! She is compassionate! I had no idea! You've mothered with your hands and words, and God did the heavy lifting, just like He promised. You don't have to be a miracle worker; that had always been God's territory. You just have to be the ordinary disciple who says yes."

OH MY GOODNESS, SHE IS INSIDE MY BRAIN. It's true. We are 8 months in and every syllable she said is so true for me. I am falling in love with my son. He IS funny. He is a hilarious dancer. He is protective and affectionate. He is fast and can hold his own in soccer against his 4th grade brother. And somedays there are no meltdowns right before we leave for school AND he comes home with dry pants AND he gives his best effort on homework. He is securely attaching. And I couldn't have said that a few months ago. In fact I DIDN'T say it a few months ago. I said this instead, but it was raw and ugly and although I 100% believe in being a voice of honesty in adoption I never felt ok posting it until just now. Because now I'm not afraid. Afterall we've survived the Honeymoon, Spaz Out and Triage phases. We are in stage 4: Rehab baby! I have hope. We have hope. He has hope. And you know what comes with hope? Joy.

Look at this boy I love who is starting to bring our family so much Joy.

Photo Disclaimer:
This was from yesterday at the park. I was trying to be a "Yes Mom." As in "Yes, Judah you may ride your scooter down the slide AS LONG AS YOU ARE SITTING."
:)