The phrase I hate the most

Boys will be boys.

I hate that phrase. Mostly because it's used to pardon asinine behavior.

I've got quite a focus group of boys in my own home, 8 to be exact. One came to me grown already and I married him as fast as I could. The other seven I'm still trying to raise to be worthy husbands and fathers like the one I snagged. I'll be the first to tell you there is a difference between boys and girls. Of course, there are exceptions to this stereotype, but for the most part boys come with ALOT more energy and it somehow gets exponentially multiplied when they are around other boys. That's why every elementary school teacher in America gets their class list and one of the first things they do is count up how many boys they'll have in their classroom for the upcoming school year. It makes a difference. 

In my experience, boys are also messier, louder, and for lack of a better description- grosser.

Boys are also stronger than girls, and men are stronger than women. Sure there is the occasional representative from our female tribe who is a body builder or American Gladiator and can kick some XY hiney, but for the most part men are physically stronger. And physical strength is power. Wars were fought and empires were created because the strong overpower the weak. I, absolutely, think a woman can go toe to toe with a man in a board room, classroom, or courtroom etc. But when it comes to physical strength we are the vulnerable gender and we know it. 

It's why we get nervous when we are alone on an elevator and a man gets on. It's why we are hyper aware when we walk out of the grocery store and there's a man lingering by our car. It's why we cross the street when we see a guy a hundred yards in front of us coming our direction.  It's why we don't answer the door when we are home alone and a man knocks even if it's 10:00am. It's why my mom taught my two sisters and I how to grab a man's balls with our finger nails, twist, and pull down.
True story.

I can still remember the very specific instructions.  There was a woman who had used this same technique on a man who broke into her home with the intent of raping her. Eventually the man begged for mercy and she escorted him to the door (still holding on) and then shoved him out and locked it behind him. They caught him later because he went to a nearby emergency room for treatment! 

Physical strength is power and women don't have it. We are the prey not the predator. 

I remember the first time a guy thought his power gave him the right to my body. I was in 7th grade. It was after church and a bunch of us were hanging out in the parking lot. A boy a year older than me came up behind me, grabbed my butt, and then ran off laughing. It happened so fast, it took me a second to register what he had done. But I do remember the instant anger.  I also remember telling my dad and the immediate vindication that followed. Standing there as a scrawny 12 year old girl and seeing my 6 foot 5 inch ex-marine father stand over that pre-pubescent boy and chew him up one side and down the other felt really good. 

I don't consider myself a survivor of sexual harassment, and sadly I think that's pretty uncommon for a woman these days. The #metoo movement has been eye opening in how it revealed the massive number of women who have been victimized.  The stories are so hard to read. I did have a few more "incidents" in junior high and high school. My butt got squeezed a couple more times in the crowded school hallway near my locker. Those times felt worse than the church parking lot because the offender slinked away and hid amongst the people before I could see who it was. And then once at the high school lunch table a guy (that I couldn't stand) leaned over and kissed me unannounced and definitely unwanted. I slapped him. 

In our home we work very intentionally to create a culture where boys take care of girls, that may sound anti-feminist, but it is intended as a way to show honor.  Literally, the #1 rule for our family is "Be sweet to Momma." That was my husband's idea, not mine. And it is not uncommon for the whole family to be in the car and for my husband to go through a drive thru line and get a treat only for me. I usually share, to avoid the whining, but it's definitely understood that the honor was mine alone. Another big rule in our home is our boys know that if they hit their sister it's an automatic punishment. Yes, even if she hits them first, which they always argue is unjust. It may be unfair but I expect my boys to hold their anger and walk away. For the most part it works. They are learning self-control and my daughter is learning self-worth. She is VERY quick to tattle, "He hit a girl!" And she always says it just like that too. Never, "He hit me..." always, "He hit a GIRL!" 

Because I believe the one with the power has an obligation to protect the one without. The burden falls on the privileged. 

There's a new country song called "Drunk Girl" by Chris Janson that displays this so beautifully. At first listen,  the verse made me super uncomfortable. 

Couple of cover charge stamps got her hand looking like a rainbow

In and out of every bar on a whim just like the wind blows

She's either a bachelorette or coming off a breakup

Take a drunk girl home

She's bouncing like a pinball

Singing every word she ever knew

Dancing with her eyes closed, like she's the only one in the room

Her hair's a perfect mess, falling out of that dress

Take a drunk girl home 

I've never been a frequenter of the bar or club scene, but those words are painted so beautifully even I can see the picture in my mind. This girl has put herself in a bad position. She's at fault. She's an adult responsible for her own actions and decisions. She has made herself vulnerable and this guy has noticed.  

But the chorus goes on:

Take a drunk girl home

Let her sleep all alone

Leave her keys on the counter, your number by the phone

Pick up her life, she threw on the floor

Leave the hall lights on, walk out and lock the door

That's how she knows the difference between a boy and a man

You take a drunk girl home

I cry every time. Having the power gives a man the burden to protect, not the right to take advantage. 

Thank you, Chris Janson. May all the world's boys be raised as men.