A new kind of math

Here are three moms. 

One has two kids, one has eight, and one has five. But all together they have 10.
It's a new kind of math.

It's addition by subtraction. A mother gained children -while two other mothers lost, but before the equation was over, together they had more. It's called open adoption. 

A few weeks ago, Isabel (our middle boys birth mom) made her annual trek to Little Rock to come see us. It was such a great weekend. She timed her trip to coincide with the boys soccer season.  Her husband drove she and her girls the 7+ hours, after he had worked a loooong day. They didn't get here until 4 in the morning...but were still up and ready at the early games cheering for the boys. 

Sometimes people ask me about our open adoption, and what it looks like. This past visit it looked like hanging out at the house while the guys grilled burgers, the girls chatted, and the kids all played. It looked like a special dinner out for pizza and then a family game night of Apples to Apples. It looked like Canaan running back and forth from my lap to hers. It looked like two moms on the soccer sidelines grinning at Silas' athleticism. It looked like a peaceful 8 year old so secure in his present because he understands his past.  It looked like surprised delight on her face when I said, "Why don't you take them somewhere by yourself and go get a drink."  It looked like a classroom discussion on genetics and who looks like who, and who talks like who. It looked like tear-filled goodbyes and hugs. It looked like love. It looked like family. 

I know adoption doesn't always work like this. I know that open adoptions are not always possible and in fact in some situations can be very damaging to the kids involved.  I know the potential for a disastrous relationship. But I know what we have, and how good we have it, and it's all because of her. This gorgeous woman (who makes gorgeous children) is such a sacrificial, such a generous, such a humble mother. One of my favorite displays of her love was this past December when we adopted our little two and she drove up from Texas to come to their adoption party because her boys were getting a new brother and sister and she wanted to celebrate with us. We've been at this open adoption thing for five years now. I can't believe it's been five years, except that I have the pictures to prove it.

2012

2013

2014

2015

2016

2017

Before her latest visit, I shared with Isabel the dreams I have for my relationship with Selah and Naomi's birthmom. I want it to be authentic and vulnerable like what she and I have, but in reality it's still new and clunky. I told her of my longing for the two of them to meet and how badly I wanted to get a picture of all three of us with all of our kids. And so she said yes to my wild idea.

We had the "meeting of the birth moms" over dinner at Larry's pizza the Saturday before Easter. Everyone was kind and gracious, but true to my experience with this second attempt at an open adoption it was also awkward and the conversation was forced- like I said it's still new and clunky.

But, let's be real,  the important thing is I still got my picture. :)

I look at this picture and am hopeful of a relationship that will grow. I think of it as a before picture like the one of Isabel and I from 2012 and anticipate what the after snapshot will look like.

In my wildest dreams I never thought my family would look like this. But even despite it's blurriness,  it's my new favorite photo. It is everything that Easter means- better than the pic of my boys in their ties or my girl with her huge bow. It's the making of something new that started with loss. It's ashes turning into light. It's addition by subtraction. It's open adoption.