Already theirs

Last week I attended a staffing for our little miss and mister. A staffing is basically a meeting with all parties involved in a foster case minus the judge. It includes bio parents, caseworkers, supervisors, all three lawyers, CASA workers, and foster parents. It's a chance for everyone to get updated on the  case and be on the same page- think of it as like a dress rehearsal to prep for the actual show in front of the judge.

I left the meeting in total shock because it definitely sounds like parental rights will be terminated and that's not where things seemed to be headed just a few weeks ago. Of course termination isn't final until the judge decrees it (and in some cases until the judge decrees, the bio parent appeals, and then the appeal is denied) so this could be a long process yet to go. But when I left the meeting, I called Cory immediately because we needed to make a decision. We'd been putting it off for way to long. If the case goes to termination, will we adopt the little two?

I know to some outside the adoption world this might seem like an emotional decision. Do you love them? Do you feel like they are yours?

A dear friend of mine has adopted 6 kids internationally. Her newest guy has been home a short six months and I asked her the other day if she felt like his mom yet. She responded by saying it's hard to answer, because "Mother" has such a different definition for her now. And I totally get what she's saying.

When my bio boys made me a mom, my love for them was strong and easy. They were mine. That was it. They didn't need a talent, a skill, or special character trait to woo me. They didn't even need to be cute (luckily they were of course, but have you seen a newborn? Especially the skinny, hairy ones?  Yikes!).

The only thing my chunky babies had to do to ignite my love was be mine.

Immediately following our introduction, each of my boys took a turn through what I affectionately call the newborn blob phase. For the first three months newborns don't do a whole lot while momma (and Daddy) do everything. It's a lot of giving and giving and giving.

But shortly after their blob phase, after I had given and given and given, one day that same baby locked eyes with me and oohed and ahhed and returned my smiles. It happened.  I am his.

He is mine and I am his. He is mine and I am his.

He accepted my love and he gave me love back.

I've heard it called the attachment "dance-" a very fitting term because the rhythmic momentum of it all becomes a self-propelling machine, sealing the bond.

But, with foster care it's different. It just is.

They aren't mine.

There is giving and receiving for sure. The rhythm is kind of there, but it's clunky. It's not anchored in  belonging, in ownership. In he is mine and I am his.

And with some foster children, it's more than clunky.  There can be a lot of parental giving and giving before any receiving happens. That is hard. That is so hard, and it's basically called reactive attachment disorder. It's when kids don't know how to do the attachment dance. It's hard to love someone that won't receive your love and won't love you back in return. That's when you learn how selfish love is.

Love is not unconditional. It never is. Not even with my bio kids, because what I thought was the  "anchor" of my love was really a condition. I love him because he's mine. Or worded another way, he has to be mine for me to love him. That's a condition.

Love is not unconditional. Not even with God. 1 John 4:19 says, we love Him because he first loved us. Or worded another way, I love Him because of what He did for me. That's a condition. That's selfish. That's human love.

But the thing about fostering someone else's child and then adopting someone else's child is you don't start under the same conditions. You start with a choice. For my friend that has adopted 6 times, Motherhood has a different meaning than it used too. Because when you have already learned to love 5 children that aren't your own, you know you can do it for the 6th child you adopt, and you know you could do it for a 7th or 8th or for however many there are and whoever they are. Because it's not about you and it's not about them.

When you realize you have the potential to love any kid that's not your own, literally any kid- the one in the grocery line at the store, the one who sits beside your son at school, the one halfway across the world, the one the caseworker brought to your house last July- when you realize you have the potential to love any kid like your own, because you understand love is a choice, then the definition of Motherhood changes for you. It's becomes bigger. It's less possessive and territorial. There are no boundaries to who I could love, who I could mother.

Adopting is the closest I have ever come to truly unconditionally loving someone. Loving our three adopted boys did not always feel natural and was not always easy. I'm thankful it is now, but it has taken time.

When someone asks me if our little two "feel like mine," the answer is no.
But I know that they can. I know that they will.

And so ultimately, YES, we've decided to adopt our little two if parental rights are terminated. We should know in a week. It's not what we had envisioned for our family. A three year old boy and his two year old sister are far from the elementary aged boys we set out to find almost a year and a half ago. But if the judge terminates rights and picks our family to adopt little miss and mr, they will become mine because I will choose it.

And honestly it's an easy choice.

Because if you saw them with us, the way they interact with us, the way they love us,  the way little miss says '"I'm a momma's girl AND a Daddy's girl" or the way little mister calls out to "the boys" you would see that the may not be ours yet,  but they already believe we are theirs.