Painful Decisions
We got word last week that our family wasn't chosen for the 4 and 6 year old brothers. It was down to us and one other family and the other family was selected. I think a LARGE part of the decision was influenced by our LARGE family. I don't know anything about the other family, but my guess is they don't have six kids already. And I get it. On paper I probably wouldn't choose us either.
It's weird to mourn the loss of two kids who were never yours and you never met and yet somehow you feel so inexplicably connected to. The finality of the "no" was the hardest part. That's when the future I had dreamed up in my head died. For us, it was a painful decision.
The day after we got the rejection call we went to court for our little two and actually left with some fairly solid answers, which is a rare thing in the foster care world. We know that we will have them for at least the next 4 months. Honestly just knowing our plan for the next few months has helped a lot with moving on from "losing" the brothers. I'm a planner. And while I was hoping to spend the near future registering our new boys for school, figuring out summer child care, stocking closets with hand me downs, and refiguring all the bedrooms and sleeping arrangements it looks like the next few months will actually just look a lot like the last 8 months with our 3 year old boy and 2 year old girl. It wasn't my hope, but at least I know. At least I can plan.
Well... I can sort of plan.
Before this last hearing, the caseworker for our little two asked if we would consider adopting should the case go to termination of parental rights. Legally the goal is still reunification, but based on specifics (that I can't write about) I'm guessing the caseworker is a planner too and wants to be prepared. We've been asked this question before as the case has taken its turns up and down but for us it is so much more than one little question.
Would we consider adopting them?
-Do we love them? Yes.
-Do our boys want us to adopt them? Absolutely.
-Didn't I just recently lament over the thought of them leaving? True.
-Do the little two get excited to see their birth mom? Yep.
-But do they think that we are their family? Without a doubt.
-Is it difficult having a kid in junior high and a kid in diapers? So hard.
-Is it hard with our wild 4 year old plus 2 little ones? Exhausting.
-Is it fun having a little girl after all these boys? A million times, yes.
-But do I want to raise a girl to adulthood? Honestly, not really.
-Could I really let them go to another family? I don't think so.
-But would they eventually move on and forget us? Probably.
-Do I love them the same as our six? No.
-Could I eventually love them the same? Yes. It's happened before.
-Could bio mom still get them back? There's a chance.
So, would we consider adopting? We don't know.
I hesitate to type out all my thoughts above and release it into cyberspace where I know things never go away and can always be found by someone. Because what if we do end up adopting the little two and someday in the future they read back on this and find where Momma admitted she didn't know if she wanted them. Ouch. It would be much easier to hide the hard stuff and simply say, "Your mom and dad couldn't take care of you, and the judge gave you to us so we could all be a family forever." I would love to be able to wrap up their story like a pretty present, tie a bow on it, and hand it to them.
And for sure there is a place for celebration in foster care. I know that if our fostering journey ends in adoption again, by the time we get to the courtroom our hearts will be filled with joy at the thought of the little two being forever in our family. I can imagine all 10 of us huddled around the judge for our gotcha day picture... that I will obviously blast all over social media along with a too long blogpost about how God put our family together.
But, the whole truth is that adoption starts with some really painful decisions.
And I want people to know that God is a part of that too.
He gives and takes away. He is a part of it all, the whole story. And right now there is no closure and I'm not in the after part of my testimony where I can look back and tell you all the ways we saw Him moving. Or what exactly He was doing. Or how much was really our decision and how much was destined before time began. Or what my family will look like. Or how many more painful decision there will be. But I can tell you that I believe He is there. And that's enough.
It's weird to mourn the loss of two kids who were never yours and you never met and yet somehow you feel so inexplicably connected to. The finality of the "no" was the hardest part. That's when the future I had dreamed up in my head died. For us, it was a painful decision.
The day after we got the rejection call we went to court for our little two and actually left with some fairly solid answers, which is a rare thing in the foster care world. We know that we will have them for at least the next 4 months. Honestly just knowing our plan for the next few months has helped a lot with moving on from "losing" the brothers. I'm a planner. And while I was hoping to spend the near future registering our new boys for school, figuring out summer child care, stocking closets with hand me downs, and refiguring all the bedrooms and sleeping arrangements it looks like the next few months will actually just look a lot like the last 8 months with our 3 year old boy and 2 year old girl. It wasn't my hope, but at least I know. At least I can plan.
Well... I can sort of plan.
Before this last hearing, the caseworker for our little two asked if we would consider adopting should the case go to termination of parental rights. Legally the goal is still reunification, but based on specifics (that I can't write about) I'm guessing the caseworker is a planner too and wants to be prepared. We've been asked this question before as the case has taken its turns up and down but for us it is so much more than one little question.
Would we consider adopting them?
-Do we love them? Yes.
-Do our boys want us to adopt them? Absolutely.
-Didn't I just recently lament over the thought of them leaving? True.
-Do the little two get excited to see their birth mom? Yep.
-But do they think that we are their family? Without a doubt.
-Is it difficult having a kid in junior high and a kid in diapers? So hard.
-Is it hard with our wild 4 year old plus 2 little ones? Exhausting.
-Is it fun having a little girl after all these boys? A million times, yes.
-But do I want to raise a girl to adulthood? Honestly, not really.
-Could I really let them go to another family? I don't think so.
-But would they eventually move on and forget us? Probably.
-Do I love them the same as our six? No.
-Could I eventually love them the same? Yes. It's happened before.
-Could bio mom still get them back? There's a chance.
So, would we consider adopting? We don't know.
I hesitate to type out all my thoughts above and release it into cyberspace where I know things never go away and can always be found by someone. Because what if we do end up adopting the little two and someday in the future they read back on this and find where Momma admitted she didn't know if she wanted them. Ouch. It would be much easier to hide the hard stuff and simply say, "Your mom and dad couldn't take care of you, and the judge gave you to us so we could all be a family forever." I would love to be able to wrap up their story like a pretty present, tie a bow on it, and hand it to them.
And for sure there is a place for celebration in foster care. I know that if our fostering journey ends in adoption again, by the time we get to the courtroom our hearts will be filled with joy at the thought of the little two being forever in our family. I can imagine all 10 of us huddled around the judge for our gotcha day picture... that I will obviously blast all over social media along with a too long blogpost about how God put our family together.
But, the whole truth is that adoption starts with some really painful decisions.
And I want people to know that God is a part of that too.
He gives and takes away. He is a part of it all, the whole story. And right now there is no closure and I'm not in the after part of my testimony where I can look back and tell you all the ways we saw Him moving. Or what exactly He was doing. Or how much was really our decision and how much was destined before time began. Or what my family will look like. Or how many more painful decision there will be. But I can tell you that I believe He is there. And that's enough.
posted by Christina at
10:19 AM
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