Pregnant

Now that I've sucked you all in with my "click bait" (that was mean wasn't it???) I should clarify that while technically I am not pregnant,  we are most definitely expecting.

I'm not sure how far along I am, but it feels well into the third trimester.  I think we are close.

This week we hope to get some answers about our family. Meetings are happening and decision makers and supervisors are supposed to get involved this week.

Here's what we can share: Back in November we learned about two brothers in foster care who's parental rights have already been terminated. Basically when rights are terminated that means the kids are living in a foster home or group home but are waiting to be adopted- that is different from the little two we have right now who are strictly in foster care with parental rights active and a goal of  reunification with birth family set in place.

We learned about the two brothers after my sweet friend, Tamra, took them into her home over Thanksgiving break so their foster mom could have some respite.

And honestly, we don't know a lot about them. We've seen pictures,  we know their ages 4 &6,  we know a little history about why the came into care, and we know about some baseline behaviors. But that's really it. I've been pumping Tamra for information about them and find myself ravenous for her to tell more stories about both the good and bad. She's talked about how they are hungry for attention,  how they called her Momma on the first day and would climb up in her lap to snuggle... as I listened to her tell these stories a weird feeling washed over me.

Jealousy.

I have never met these boys. But I love these boys. I want these boys. If they are going to climb up in anyone's lap and call out Momma, I want it to be mine.

I play scenarios in my mind of a future with them in our family. I doodle the names we would like to call them if given the chance. I make lists of what grade everyone will be in next year and how awesome it would be to homeschool Levi,  and have the other seven all at the SAME school. Cory pictures Silas and the youngest as "artificial twins" getting into trouble together and smirking at their antics. I love that Canaan would have a buddy and the dynamics between our oldest four would not be interrupted.

Cory and I can easily get caught up in our dreaming and then stop and look at each other and laugh "Could we really do 8 kids forever? 8 boys?!?!"

The caseworker emailed me this morning and said she had narrowed it down to three families and would hopefully be presenting them to her supervisor this week. She also confirmed that we were one of the three families.

I don't know what's going to happen. Part of me has such a peace about it that if she calls to say "You have been chosen" I don't think I will react at all, because it's like she's telling me something I've already known and felt all along. It would be like someone calling and announcing to me "You are Cory Jones' wife." Ugh Duh, of course I am.

And then there is another part of me that gets nauseous thinking there is no way she will pick us... the other two families probably don't have six kids already or a crazy mom writing a blog about being in love with two boys she's never met and has absolutely no reason to feel so possessive about.

But I am in love and I am possessive.

I'm so ready for this week to fly by. I feel like I'm waiting for the doctor to call me back and let me know if I'm really pregnant.

Months from now I may read back on this post while holding my new boys in my arms and be able to tell them "My womb was empty but my heart and soul were bursting with new life. I knew it and felt it. Just like every pregnant mom, I loved you before I ever held you,"

Or months from now I may read back on this post with empty arms, a false positive test, and a broken Momma heart.

Either way I'll still be singing this song.

I was 19, you were 21, the year we got engaged

and everyone said we were much to young

but we did it anyway.

We got the rings for forty each from a pawn shop down the road 

and we said our vows and took the leap, now 15 years ago.

And we went dancing in the minefields

We went sailing in the storms. 

It was harder than we dreamed 

but I believe that's what the promise is for. 

'I do' are the two most famous last words, 

the beginning of the end.

But to lose your life for another- I've heard

is a good place to begin. 

Cuz the only way to find your life is to lay your own life down. 

And I believe it's an easy price for the life that we have found.

 And we're dancing in the minefields. 

we're sailing in the storm. 

This is harder than we dreamed, 

but I believe that's what the promise is for.

So when I lose my way...find me.

And when I loose love's chains....bind me.

At the end of all my Faith, to the end of all my days 

when I forget my name- remind me,

Cause we bear the light of the Son of Man

so there's nothing left to fear. 

 So I'll walk with you in the Shadowlands

til the Shadows disappear.

Cause He promised not to leave us and His promises are true.

So in the face of all this chaos, baby, I can dance with you. 

Let's go dancing in the minefields. 

Let's go sailing in the storm.

-Andrew Peterson

"Dancing in the Minefields'