You only love me a little

***25 years ago I made a public confession to a room full of people that I was definitely a sinner and in need of God's forgiveness. At 12 years old I was baptized by my Dad.  He asked if I believed Jesus was the son of God and that he came to earth, was crucified on a cross, and rose from the dead. Then with tears in his eyes he recited our church's traditional chant "I now baptize you in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for the remission of your sins and you will received the gift of the holy spirit.'" These memorized sing-song words were the same chant my siblings and I used while playing baptism in the swimming pool. Our version was a little more aggressive as it involved grabbing someone's nose, yelling the chant, and attempting to drown them. So, it was the same but also different. :)

Up until the age of 12 and even beyond that for nearly 3 more decades, I lived a charmed life. From the start, I had people around me telling that I was loved and special. I stuck to the right recipe of don'ts...don't drink, don't cuss, don't smoke, don't go to far with your boyfriend. That last one was actually the easiest seeing as how I didn't have a boyfriend.  I was a good christian girl. I was a prayer journal-er, bible reader, church camp attempter, bible bowl gold medalist, and had memorized the order of the new AND old testament books at a young age. God's instructions worked for me, too.  I wasn't a pregnant teenager. I've never been to rehab or jail. I went to college on a good scholarship. I met a nice christian boy, married him, and then started popping out babies for the grandparents. I reaped the benefits of the religion I was raised in. If I'm honest, it's the kind of life I want for my kids. 

Somewhere in my formative years,  it was explained to me that I was a sinner and born into a system where sins had to be erased with sacrifices. The problem with growing up a good christian girl, is you learn about sins as head knowledge instead of experiencing the consequences as heart knowledge. You get the eraser before you’ve ever had a chance to make any mistakes. And many times the focus of your faith becomes managing the cleanliness of your paper. Purity is the emphasis. You make good choices so that your paper stays clean- you create your life in such a way that you won't need the eraser, or at least only need it a little bit.

***In Luke 7, Jesus is having dinner at a Pharisee's house when a sinful woman comes and washes his feet with her tears, dries them with her hair, and pours perfume on them. Jesus says about her, "Her many sins have been forgiven- as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little." 

There are a lot of ways I'm jealous of this woman. I don't want her reputation or social exile. I don't want the whispers when I walk by. I don't want the stares while I weep in the corner of a room where I am definitely not wanted. And I certainly don't want the emotional drama that causes me to cry enough tears to fill a foot bath. I want the charmed life that I have. The one- that like a good christian girl- I thank God for, but secretly credit myself for. I followed the recipe, I made the good choices. 

I made sure I rarely needed the eraser. I got the life that everyone wanted for me, the life I was taught to want for myself. But I don't love like she loves. 

***Seven years ago I got a phone call from my younger sister that I will never forget. She was crying and asked if I could watch her two girls while she took her five year old son Ty to the pediatrician. She was worried he had diabetes. And not the kind of diabetes that middle aged people sometimes get, that can be altered with a lifestyle change; she was worried he had type 1 diabetes, the kind that runs in our family and had already made it's power known with the early death of our Aunt Linda and cousin Shelly.

All of us have a pancreas. It's hard at work every day making insulin to keep our blood sugar regulated. We were born with it. We've always had it and probably never appreciated it. No one notices or feels their pancreas until it stops working. My sister's gut instinct was right. Ty's pancreas was dying. He was diagnosed with diabetes and feels the consequences everyday. Early on he was getting 8 shots a day on top of the regular finger pricks, and he was five years old. Today he is 12 and has an insulin pump which helps so much, but he still feels the consequences...the constant carb counting, the curious looks from his peers, the pricks, the needles, the sugar crashes, the headaches, and the high sugar mania. He is dependent on insulin in order to live. 

In truth, we are all insulin dependent, but we just don't feel it because we have it readily available in our bodies. In the same way, when you grow up a good christian girl, often you are saved before you truly understand what you are being saved from.  You don't feel the consequences of your sin, you feel like you are a good person and only need a little forgiveness. You don't appreciate the life saving medicine of God's grace. 

***The best thing I ever did for my faith was intentionally remove my pancreas. Five years ago, I was struggling with my charmed life from an untested faith and decided I should really listen to the words "to whom much is given, much is expected" (Luke 12:48)  And that's when we got into foster care. I wish everyone would do it. Not for the sake of the kids, though that would be great...but because if it affects you the way it affected me, you will finally know and feel what a sinner you are. Most people avoid foster care because they think "I could never give them back," never realizing that keeping the kids can actually be the hardest part. It is really hard to love someone who makes your life hard. The anger in your heart will surprise you. And the selfishness will come front and center where it's impossible to deny or downplay. You won’t have enough insulin in yourself to survive it. You will realize you can’t live without an outside stronger source, and that you really never have. 

***Back the story from Luke, Jesus has some bold words for the Pharisee who is hosting the dinner.  He basically tells Simon- who is the grown up version of a good little christian boy,  "The rules you followed never reached your heart. And the recipe of don'ts you want for yourself and your children won't work. Your yoke is still heavy. And you only love me a little.”

I know when we read stories from the bible, we typically identify with the hero, the protagonist, the good guy. My guess is, that if we are honest, many of us who grew up as church going boys and girls are more like Simon than we want to admit. If that's true for you, but you want to love like the sinful woman, then you need to find a way to remove your pancreas. Obviously foster care isn't the only avenue. But you need to find a way to make yourself exposed and vulnerable so that you will see what is you and what is God. You have to quit protecting yourself with rules and good choices. Quit settling for the heavy yoke, just because it's the one you can control and it feels less scary. Intentionally back yourself into a corner, get in over your head, and dive into the deep end so that when He pulls you back up there is no doubt who did the saving. I'm not talking about sewing your wild oats so that you can feel God's grace. I am asking you to trust that His abundant plan for your life is more than a list of rules that keep you safe, secure, and charmed. It was for me. 

I may be short one pancreas, but I've got 5 extra kids that call me Momma now. I battle sin and selfishness everyday, but I've got a whole lotta love for Jesus. I don't ever want to go back to that charmed life.