Goodbye

To the one I love. (You know who you are)

Goodbyes are always hard. And sometimes harder than they should be.

Today was my fault I know. I am the only one to blame. I should  have said a better goodbye. I should have held you tight in my hands, wrapped my fingers around you one more time, and brought you smooth to my lips like I always did. I should have willed my senses to make the moment last...your smell, your touch. I'm sure it will be years before I see you again.

Some people won't underatand after what I've done. I know it's seems drastic, but those people aren't here to see the daily struggle between you and I. I know it's a big loss. I know I can't take it back. But I have always been an all or nothing person. I know it's going to require extra work in the beginning. I will have to put a big smile on my face- slap on the extra makeup- and prove to myself and others that I can pull this off. Yes I know its going to actually get harder before it gets easier.  You have no doubt been a part of me. You changed the way I saw myself and even the way others saw me. We were always together. I'm not sure I will be recognized without you.

But you were becoming too much- too needy. I just couldn't do it anymore. And you knew that. You had to know. You never said anything but you didn't have to. I could see the way your posture was changing. In our last few months together you had grown flat and sullen, as though  you were without life. You were not in a good place. You weren't healthy. And you and I both know it. Now everyone else does too. I'm sorry it had to go public. Please believe me when I say I couldn't help that. I needed it to be out there, to temper everyone's reaction for when they see me out and about for the first time. Maybe it will minimize the awkward stares.

I will always be thankful for the good memories we have shared. Thankyou for loving me well and making me feel pretty. I will miss you dearly, even too much I think, and somedays more than others. But I have found freedom now and I won't turn back.

I promise there are good things coming for you too, really good things. You will be a blessing to someone else very soon. Someone that will really appreciate you and take care of you like you ought to be treated. Someone that really needs you. Right now that someone just can't be me. I'm so sorry.

Until we meet again.

All my love,
Christina

Before the goodbye

After