Rollercoaster

Cory texted me the other day and asked how things were going at home. It was one of my first days with all 8. I wrote him back..

 "Just riding the roller coaster."

Click click click.

The energy in our house right now is a constant ride of up and down and up and down with very limited neutral track.

We have had some really low drops...like bedtime for starters. That's nothing new at our house but why is bedtime so hard? Probably because the routine starts with brushing everyone's teeth which for me requires the same mental and physical energy needed to run a marathon.

Brushing teeth EVERY night = Running a marathon. Same, same for me. Neither is gonna happen.

And also there is a philosophical difference between the way I interpret what the word "goodnight" means and how my boys interpret it. When I say "goodnight" I intend the command to have the same kind of rapid response as a hypnotist snapping his fingers. Goodnight. Snap. And they're out. However they seem to be hearing it as Goodnight. Snap. Gentleman start your engines. Oy.

Another low is when our new little two both get going at the same time. I've got to be honest here: Little man enjoys a good whine and little sister can throw some serious fits when she wants to.

And to be completely honest another low is that at least 7 of us are still not fully recovered from PTSD. Cory and I have coined it to mean Post-traumatic Silas disorder. If you know him, you understand. That boy has been some kind of intense the past several years. Oh my the stories I have on that one.

But I've learned that if you hang on long enough the roller coaster will take a turn and soar to some amazing heights too.

Click click click.

Like when I'm rocking our new little man and he holds on to me like a baby gorilla clinging to his mother. He likes to lift my shirt and then lift his shirt and lay on me skin to skin with the colors of our tummies in sharp contrast. It is the absolute sweetest thing.

Right now one of my favorite times is when we are all around the dinner table together. We've been  playing a game where we take turns chanting each person's name to help our newbies learn all the brothers. It is so much fun. As are our dance parties in our NEW van.

And I wish people could see the way little Miss and Mr both run with their arms out stretched to Cory and I screaming "Momma" or "Daddy" when we pick them up from school or come back home after being away. They've done it since day 1. It's been amazing how fast they have attached. They bring such joy to our home.

I told Cory that I'm gonna go all in with these two. I'm not holding back my heart like I did the first time we fostered. And when/if they go home I will just have to find a way to survive the loss. Because last time when we fostered our boys the yo-yo-ness of it all caused me to be guarded... and in doing so I put a wall between myself and my younger trio that took way too long to fall.

But this time I hope to be different. This time I'm all in. No matter what happens.

I'm riding the rollercoaster through all the ups and downs. And I want to be smiling when we round the bend for the photo op. Because when the time comes for this ride to be over I want my keepsake picture to show me side by side with my husband our hands in the air praising God for this abundant life.