Scared

When I was a young girl, maybe 7 or 8, our family was at the mall picking out shoes for my brother. We had just finished eating ice cream cones and my parents told me to walk to the bathroom and wash my hands off while they finished the shoe transaction. The bathroom was right next to the shoe store, but you had to open a set of glass double doors and walk down a hallway to get to it. I was on my way to the bathroom when two teenage boys came into the hallway behind me. I heard one of the boys say to the other "get her" followed by a quickening of footsteps. I immediately ran from them and bolted into the bathroom. When it comes to traumatic situations I'm a freezer.

At some point later my parents realized I was taking too long and sent my older sister to retrieve me. Jennifer found me in the bathroom, in the same spot I ran too, hunkered down and sobbing.

Nearly thirty years later I don't know if those boys were really a threat to me or merely jerk teenagers messing with a young girl. I do remember talking with a mall officer and describing the boys, though I can't remember if I actually identified them face to face or not. When it comes to the actual closure and restitution of the incident I have very few memories, it's only the trauma that stayed with me.

And is has stayed with me deeper than I ever knew it could.

A few years ago I was attending an Occupational therapy conference on reflex integration. I will spare you the therapy-ness of it. But the basic belief is that when something traumatic happens your Moro reflex can reactivate. Moro is the party trick reflex that an infant will do when you quickly lower their head. The baby will take in a quick breath, extend his arms and legs, and kinda freeze for a moment. Heres a good example for you. Click.

All typically developing babies have this response. It is a reflex just like when the doctor hits your knee with the hammer. However as you grow and your brain develops the reflex smooths out, so to speak. If you were to tip the head of a typical 1 year old,  they would not react in fear, but instead laugh and want you to do it again. The reflex is eventually replaced by the adult "startle" response and both are linked to the autonomic nervous systems fight or flight reaction.

At the conference we paired up with a partner and practiced the exercises taught to integrate a Moro reflex. When my partner tested me, she saw no signs of a reaction, but I immediately felt a change in my body. When my head tilted back restricting my vision my eyes immediately shot to the door, my body stiffened, and I became in a state of hyper vigilance. My partner however saw nothing.

We completed the exercises on each other and what happened next was the most bizarre visceral reaction I have ever had. I ran out to my car, called Cory, and began retelling him the story of what happened to me as a young girl. I was sobbing and crying over and over to him "I remember it. I remember it. And I was so scared. I remember what the hallway looked like. I remember the bathroom was on the left. I remember being huddling against the wall and looking at the sink and the mirror. Cory it was so scary. I remember it."  But it wasn't just that I remembered the fear, I actually felt the fear all over again.

Tic toc. Tic toc. Tic toc. Coo-coo clock! Am I right?

I mean that's weird. Nothing even happened to me. It may have actually all just been a mean joke.

I called my parents after I hung up with Cory and tried to compare my memory with theirs. They had a vague recollection of the incident at best. But that's ok. I totally get it, I was one of four kids. Don't tell my boys, but sometimes when they ask me what their first word was or even how old they currently are I just have to make something up because you know, there's six of them and I have mom brain.

Fast forward several years from my scare and with some heavy self-contemplation I can totally see signs of an active Moro in my life. For starters I hate being scared. I will never understand how people can watch thrillers for entertainment. I have a hyper-vigilent awareness of my periphery. My bedroom is always setup where I can see the door from my bed. I don't claim the right or left side of the bed as some wives do, I claim the side furthest from the door. I prefer to be wrapped up (swaddled) in a blanket even when I'm not cold. I don't like to be alone. When I am at a restaurant or in a classroom I will choose a seat that prevents people from sitting behind me. I want to be able to fully scan the room. In college the only way I could concentrate for studying was to go to the tiniest study room, huddle in the corner and make my world as small and predictable as possible. I have very strong emotional reactions when I get startled even when the surprise is an innocent event...like my surprise birthday party, or once when my brother snuck up behind me and gave my shoe a "flat tire," and even once at a college social club invitation party when a hamster bit me and I nearly lost control of myself.

All of this and nothing even happened to me!!

Are things better after the therapy intervention? I would say absolutely yes. Would I still describe myself as a scaredy-cat? Yes to that too.

So what's the point of all this? Why even share this story?  Honestly, I wanted to write it down because I need a place to come back to and read and remind myself what it feels like when fear seeps in.  It's my altar to help me remember that I have felt out of control and visceral fear inside even though what everyone else around me saw was an emotional over reaction.

It's my reminder that when I am the one on the outside watching my son over react time and time again even though his life has been stable for two loooong years, maybe just maybe, his inside is feeling scared.