Conversation with a 13 year old (Translated)

Earlier this week, Judah had an orthodontist appt allowing for some rare one-on-one time between us. 

Let me back up and give you some background on this textbook 13 year-old. He is as chill as they come. I tell him all the time that he needs to be some kind of emergency worker because that boy is UNFAZED. Running late for an appointment? Unfazed. Big school project due? Unfazed. Increasingly frustrated mother? Unfazed. He is as loose and free as his trademark hair.  

Being a typical middle schooler, his humor can often be accompanied with a certain hint of class clown overconfidence. I get the sense that this is a huge hit with his peers. For example, in speech class, he had to create a resume and do a mock job interview in front of his whole class for any profession of his choosing. The career he chose? Snake Milker. God Bless Middle School teachers. 

Now as his mother, I too, find him charming, but I can only take so much early teenage boy humor in one lifetime. And at no fault of his own, he is my 4th middle school boy, and I am rapidly reaching my limit on fart jokes, sarcastic banter, taking everything to extreme what-if situations, and random overly loud attention-seeking comments...all the while looking at me to give him a reaction of approval. The format is he does something ridiculous and then I'm supposed to mirror back a facial expression that says: "Look at you making me laugh. I'm a 42 year old woman that definitely likes 13 year old boy humor. Aren't you witty? Let me help you grow that self-esteem with my endearing non-verbal validation. You are so funny." 

But the gig is up. My face is tired of giving reactions of delight that endorse behaviors I do not delight in. It seems he has lingered in this particular phase more than his older siblings and frankly I blame myself for that. When you have a big family, life becomes about what is easiest for the family unit and not always what is best for each individual kid. Sad, but true. Honestly, I haven't given Judah as many chances to stretch and grow up because it's easier to ask the older boys to do it. 

And this is not just a phenomenon for him, but it's true for all the siblings younger than him too. Proof in point: I recently saw a FB memory where I had taken a picture of Levi and Titus going into the grocery store all by themselves while I waited in the car with 4 younger kids. I did the math and realized they were 9 and 10 yrs old at the time. Now when I translate this to 2022 and think about sending my current 9 and 10 yr olds, Selah and Silas, into a store by themselves my jaw drops in panic. There is no way! 

Clearly, I'm the problem. I've babied them too much and pushed their older siblings to do all the growing up. 

I knew I needed to be more proactive so when Judah was done at the orthodontist, I announced, "Today you will be doing some Big Kid Firsts." 

Insert my cheesy smile.

Which was followed quickly by his eye roll, a hesitant expression, and LOTS of questions letting me know he was nervous. But I stuck to my plan. 

Here's how the scene played out: 

[Pulling into gas station]

Me: I want you to go give this cash to the attendant and tell him you need $60 on pump 17. 

Him: This is gonna be weird. I'm a kid. Why would a kid buy gas? Translation: I'm intimidated to try something new that I might screw up so I'm making excuses.

Me: You're a teenager. Teenagers drive. They buy gas. Translation: Tables have turned kiddo, look at me being all unfazed at you now. 

Him: I look that old?  I'm not wearing cool clothes. I'm in shorts. Teenagers wear long pants. Translation:  I don't want to do this. I don't like feeling vulnerable. Here's another excuse. 

Me: That was your choice. You got yourself dressed this morning. Translation: All hail the unfazed Queen. 

[First attempt]

Him: There is a sign on the door that says everyone has to show ID. I don't have ID. Translation: Are you really making me do this by myself? I'm calling your bluff. 

Me: That's just talking about if you are buying cigarettes. You can say, "My mom needs $60 of gas on pump 17 if that makes it better." Translation: Aint no bluff here buddy, but I got you. Throw my name in there if it helps. 

[Second Attempt]

SUCCESS!!! He paid by himself, pumped with some coaching, and didn't spill gas everywhere. 

[Back in the car]

Him: Why do I need to learn how to pump gas if I'm just gonna drive a Tesla? Translation: I did something new and am feeling pretty good about myself so my over-confident snark has returned. 

Me: Maybe you'll drive your friend's car someday. Translation: I'm super proud of you. You were intimidated. You didn't have older siblings to help. You did it by yourself! Your vulnerable feelings have passed and you have returned to an over-confident middle schooler and are baiting me into our recurring Tesla fight. But I will not take your bait and lose this feel good moment. 

Him: Why would I be driving my friend's car? Translation: I'm feeling like myself again. I am a genius and my Mom doesn't know anything. 

Me: Because what if ya'll are hanging out somewhere and he has some kind of medical emergency like a seizure or a CVA or a myocardial infarction and you have to quickly drive him to the hospital to save his life. Translation: I do too know stuff. Look at me using big medical words that I know you don't know so I can put you in your place. 

Him: But I have to fill up his car with gas first????? 

Me: Exactly. Translation: Great comedic timing on that comeback. Look at you making me laugh. Aren't you witty after all?!  :) 

Look who also went into Kroger by himself :)